Collectively Wise

We Are the Care System

[By Joanne Reynolds] Suzanne Mintz, co-founder and president of the NFCA says 80 percent of long-term care in this country is done by family and friends. She puts it pretty bluntly: “We are the care system.”

No one knows for sure how many family (otherwise known as unpaid) caregivers there are in the U. S., but the educated guesses from organizations such as AARP, the National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA) or the U. S. Administration on Aging, range from 36 million to 60 million.

The need for an enormous army of unpaid caregivers is going to dramatically in the coming years as the Baby Boomer generation ages. Some diseases, such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s have risk factors that are dependant on age. The older the person, the more likely he or she is to suffer from one of these chronic and debilitating conditions that require care.

BEING GRATEFUL

[by Joanne Reynolds]

The exercise was pretty simple:

There were two concentric rings of individuals facing one another. The atmosphere in the room was subdued and sleepy. It was the first event of the morning at a conference of church musicians. Few people knew one another.

We were to look the person facing us in the eye and then say one sentence of gratitude. Uncomfortable shuffling followed the instruction.

“Oh come on now,” the instructor chided. “It’s simple. Just say one thing you’re grateful for and the person facing you will tell you what they’re grateful for.”

So we began. I spoke about the beautiful day. The person facing me was grateful for safe travel. We switched partners. I spoke of the joy of singing. The person opposite me mentioned having a job that he loved.

And so it went for ten very short minutes. At the end of the time, the atmosphere in the room had changed markedly. There was energy and laughter where there had been subdued quiet before.

I tell you this story as a reminder that we can easily shift into a positive attitude by recognizing the many blessings in our lives.

The Landmark Forum

[by Kirsten]

Last weekend I attended a self improvement seminar called "The Landmark Forum".  In their language, you might say that "I participated in the landmark forum."  Because of it, I honestly  feel changed for the better.  At the same time, I'm tired. Maybe from learning or from working hard or maybe because I feel energized and have been pouring my energy into my traditional work and into my primary relationships.  So, needless to say, I've been offline for a few days.

I'd like to describe the experience I had with the forum.  It's a funny organization in a number of ways.  Primarily, it is controversial because it's seen by some as a "cult".  I can't really speak to that since I don't know much about cults, but I find it hard to believe that this little program could be that.   I have read that the content has roots in the 70's "EST" movement, and I think I read that it's been outlawed in some countries.  Admittedly, there is a strong sales element to the workshop, and that it involves the recruitment of family and friends.

A RESILIENT LIFE

[by Joanne Reynolds]

Have you ever noticed how some people “can take a lickin’ and keep on tickin,” as the old TV ad used to say about watches?

Caregiving is demanding, stressful and often full of negative surprises. You can’t control what happens, but you can control your response to it. It’s what psychologists call resilience, and it’s not a trait we’re born with—we learn it.

Here are some suggestions for bringing that “bounce-back” or positive attitude into your life:

*Take on problem-solving one issue at a time. Don’t try to solve all of your problems—or caregiving challenges—at once. Think of building a wall. You do it one brick at a time.

*Choose to be happy. Yes, your parent is suffering, there are significant medical issues to be faced, and frustrations abound. Don’t go overboard, but instead, choose to find joy in small things in spite of the trials you both are facing.

Deliberate Choices, Directed Effort

[by Kirsten]

Back in May of this year, I got into a discussion on the SVMoms blog with the author of a post called, "Making Peace with Work".  Lately, I've been thinking about a part of that discussion that I think is really meaningful.

I don't want to really even try to explain the whole position that I was coming from, because it looks batty, and for the most part, it's my story, and I'm sticking to it (and maybe it's private and I'm not going to tell you, but I digress....)  But, there is one very important theme, that I really, really aspire to absorb.

Maybe there is a term for it.  If there is, I don't know it.  But basically, I want to stop being a two headed monster.  I want alignment.  I *think*, if I can get alignment between what I want, and the actions I take:  First, I will be happier.  Second, I will have more traction, power and success.

Self-Care and Recovery after Sexual Assault

[Anonymous Guest Post]

When I graduated from school, I moved to a new city for work. A couple weeks after arriving I went out on a date with a guy I had just met.  He took me to dinner and to a dance club.  I was happy to go because I didn't know anyone else in the area, hadn't been downtown yet and it sounded like fun. After a while at the club, I agreed to go to his apartment to hang out instead of going to another club with another cover charge.

I was alarmed to see how bad of a neighborhood it was in, and I didn't really know where I was, so when things got ugly, later, I was worried about running out into the streets.  Needless to say, what I experienced was almost classic date rape. I tried to talk him out of forcing me and I hit him and pushed him away, but chose to submit, rather than getting into a violent, losing fight, simply because I figured it was the safest way back to my apartment.

The Healing Power of Song

[by Joanne Reynolds]

When my grandmother was dying from pneumonia brought on by her acute Parkinson’s Disease, I sang to her. I did it because it seemed to sooth her and it made me feel better.

It turns out that singing is really good for us, so it makes sense for caregivers and patients to sing together, whether or not the patient is dying.

There have been a handful of really good books written recently on the subject of our brains and how we process and perform music. One author, Robert Jourdain in Music, the Brain and Ecstasy says that singing moves us out of our “mental wheel chairs.” If that’s the case, then why not sing together?

Before we get to the actual singing part, let me tell you a bit about what happens to us physically when we sing.

Yoga, Surfing and Play as a Mini Vacation

[by Mirjana]

This July I attended a whole day yoga and surfing workshop in Aptos, a small vacation town south of Santa Cruz. The notice for the workshop came through the yoga studio where I regularly go and I was intrigued.

The event was organized by two great teachers: Jackie Long and Kristen Lansdale. The promise of was to do lots of yoga on the beach and to try some surfing. As a total novice to surfing, I was a little concerned about the last part. Will I be cold? Will I be able to do anything other than just tumble from the board? Will it be just too much? But my love of the style of yoga that Jackie teaches and great experience with her other workshops prevailed. So I signed up and also dragged along a good friend for support.

Thanks to Jackie and Kristen this turned out to be a perfect day, filled with fun and play. To start our adventure, we were greeted by about a dozen dolphins playfully moving along the coast. What a magical sight! This really set the tone for the day.

An Hour a Day of Exercise: Self-Care for Parents and Other Caregivers

A recent study suggests that women over 40 need, not just 30 minutes 5x per week of exercise, but a full hour EVERY day.  Wow! 

Really, if you consider this in a practical sense, it's huge.  Many of the women in my office wouldn't consider making time for themselves in this way.  I've asked them, trying to encourage them to get out during lunch, to enjoy the nice weather and move around a bit.  Many more times than not, I've been met with a questioning look.  After a bit of probing, the explanations come.  "I need to get home early.", etc.  But, I'm a believer.  I go.

Not even considering diet and nutrition, I know that an hour a day has helped me stay fit in the past.  I'm more alert, happier and more energetic when I do it.  It helps me control my weight and feel better, too.

For parents and caregivers, though, literally carving out 60+ minutes for themselves, to exercise (How self-indulgent!!), is a challenge.  I suggested to one co-worker that she tell her husband that she needed to schedule it in, in the morning or in the evening.  She laughed at me.  Her husband would not even consider watching their daughter in the morning, because his preparation for work was more important.  In the evenings, she needed to make dinner for them.  Every day!  She had accepted the fact that she would never have this time to herself.

Domestic Violence, Poverty and Looking the Other Way

Hopefully you have not spent much time, if any, being the victim of domestic violence.  Some of you may have, though.  Or maybe someone you know is having a hard time.  Maybe you are looking for help.  Maybe you are looking for a way to help.

This is just a little story, like so many of the stories we all have, that replay on occasion in our minds.  This one strikes me as an introduction to the subject for us, though, because the main character is a mom.  A mom who, at the time I crossed paths with her, was trying desperately to care for her children.  She was trying to keep things together and care for her babies.

I was 22 years old, and taking a road trip with my mother from my new apartment and new job in Silicon Valley, to visit relatives in Southern California.  I was a bit frazzled, as it had been a tough move and I had run into some difficult situations along the way.  But the drive down I5 in the central valley of California was a long one, and boring.

At that time, just about 20 years ago, I think there was only one place to stop for a bite to eat along the way.  There was one McDonalds, about 3 hours from San Jose, and 3 hours from LA.  I think I remember that people used to call it, "The Oasis."  Not so sure about that, but this stop there, was my first.  My mom and I pulled up in my brand new Toyota Tercel.  I parked close to a car that looked like the one in the picture, above.  It was filled with children.  It also looked like they'd been in the car for a very long time.