Collectively Wise

A Husband's Recovery Inspired by Lance Armstrong

[Anonymous Guest Post]

It is said that the idea of ‘living happily ever after’ post-marriage is an illusion. In 2003, I didn’t think of it that way as I was married to the man of my dreams and we were hopelessly in love with each other.

However, three months into my marriage, Murphy’s Law began to work as tragedy struck my family. What started off as my husband coughing blood and reporting pain while urinating, turned out to be testicular cancer when we went in for scans at the Boston hospital. The doctor gave my spouse 35 percent chance of survival and said that the tumour had spread to his lungs and brain.

Surgery was performed immediately to remove the malignant tumour. Through orchiectomy, his diseased testicle was also removed. Then came the hardest part: chemotherapy. The combination of drugs they hit my husband with during chemo was nauseating even to me when I looked at him. The chemicals left a toll on him after every session and he could hardly taste food properly.

Sharing the Care: Caring for loved ones near and far

Judy’s mom lives out of state, and is in failing health. The good—and bad—news for Judy is that her mom is living in a “Granny unit” apartment above her sister’s garage, so care is literally steps away.

But Judy suffers from guilt because she’s not the one carrying the burden of her mom’s care. “I call once a week, and sometimes I have to bite my tongue to keep from offering my ‘brilliant’ advice. I know my sister’s in it every day and probably has thought of or tried all the things I want to suggest. I just don’t think she’d take it very well if I wade into these issues from 1,500 miles away,” Judy says.

The same issue arises when Judy goes to visit, only it has a bit of a twist. Not only does Judy not want to come off as “the outsider arriving to save the world,” but she has begun to realize that her mom puts on a show of being stronger and healthier than she really is when Judy’s visiting.

The bottom line is that no one really is saying what’s true. Judy keeps her advice to herself, her sister isn’t talking about her real levels of caregiver stress, and mom is trying to convince Judy that she is well when she isn’t.

Our Summer Escape: California Camping

This post was originally published in the SVMoms blog, in anticipation of summer.  As summer winds down, this is what we've done!

We *love* camping.  We stuff the minivan full of gear and food and head out of town, every chance we get during the warm weather months.  It's a way to trap the kids.  No playdates, no electricity, no sports, no work, no homework.  Get far enough away, and even my iPhone wont get signal.

The natural beauty of California is astounding.  The coast is breathtaking, the mountains are beautiful.  The lakes and bays are accessible and fun.  The rocks, trees, blue sky, dirt and sand call our names.  As do the coyote, deer and bears.

Thank goodness for the California State Parks.

Personal Story, Dementia in India: Family is the Front Line of the Healthcare System

The following is an anonymous personal story written by a 39 year old woman in Kolkata, India.

I had the experiencing of taking care of my grandfather who is 90 years old and very sick. We in India still believe in the joint family system and so the family becomes the first healthcare provider to any other member who is sick or old. The elderly and the sick are given good care and the emotional support they get from the family heals most of their problems.

My grandfather is very aged but could still do his daily chores all by himself. All of a sudden, my grandmother died of heart attack and from the very next day onwards, he showed signs of restlessness and started behaving abnormally. He could get the emotional support from her and it was lost all at once. His daily activities changed. He used to get up very late after repeated calls and would insist on eating a particular breakfast if anything else was served. He behaved like a child and became more stubborn. Slowly his memory and power of concentration started diminishing and a stage came when he could not recognize any family members.

Our family physician suggested that he should be given emotional and moral support and these conditions were very normal for a person of his age. So we the family members took turn every month to take care of his health and well being. I was given the chance to take care of him as I was a healthcare professional.

What holds a sandwich generation family together? Glue

It's my job to be the glue.

Hi.  I'm new here, new to blogging.  But, I'm not a new mom.  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, I'm old. 

I don't worry about whether I should go back to work anymore, about cloth diapers, organic food or even pre-school.

We've moved on.

I didn't think it could get any more complicated.  Back before kids, and when they were young, it was all about getting set up.  Then it was about surrounding the kids with everything they needed to grow and thrive.  Books, food, quilts, language, love, fresh air.

Now the kids are a little older and I enjoy teaching them more complex concepts.  Not like math, I mean.  Things like whether to be upset about certain things or not, how to treat a sad heart, take care of each other or how to be safe.

The past year has been hard for us.  Over the years, we made decisions that were kind of banking on the expanding economy. "Dearest Tax Man:  You must have us confused with someone else..."

Domestic Violence, Poverty and Looking the Other Way

Hopefully you have not spent much time, if any, being the victim of domestic violence.  Some of you may have, though.  Or maybe someone you know is having a hard time.  Maybe you are looking for help.  Maybe you are looking for a way to help.

This is just a little story, like so many of the stories we all have, that replay on occasion in our minds.  This one strikes me as an introduction to the subject for us, though, because the main character is a mom.  A mom who, at the time I crossed paths with her, was trying desperately to care for her children.  She was trying to keep things together and care for her babies.

I was 22 years old, and taking a road trip with my mother from my new apartment and new job in Silicon Valley, to visit relatives in Southern California.  I was a bit frazzled, as it had been a tough move and I had run into some difficult situations along the way.  But the drive down I5 in the central valley of California was a long one, and boring.

At that time, just about 20 years ago, I think there was only one place to stop for a bite to eat along the way.  There was one McDonalds, about 3 hours from San Jose, and 3 hours from LA.  I think I remember that people used to call it, "The Oasis."  Not so sure about that, but this stop there, was my first.  My mom and I pulled up in my brand new Toyota Tercel.  I parked close to a car that looked like the one in the picture, above.  It was filled with children.  It also looked like they'd been in the car for a very long time.

Mommy Guilt: The Epidemic

I recently did a Twitter search for "Mommy guilt" and was amazed at what I found. Mommy guilt is everywhere. It’s like a disease that we're all afflicted with - stay at home Moms (which is work, I know), work from home Moms, full-time working outside of the home Moms, part-time working outside of the home Moms, pregnant soon-to-be-Moms. None of us are immune.

Okay, so I work outside of the home and am basically gone from 8-6 five days a week. Of course I’m infected! I hate being away from my boys and I feel awful missing the daily antics as well as the important milestones. And on the mornings when my oldest refuses to let go of me as I hug him goodbye I feel a knife twisting in my heart. And yes, there are days like the day that I was off last year and I picked him up from pre-school. The fact that the teacher asked me who I was there for (we HAD met a few months before) still haunts my parenting nightmares.

Why Good Women Stay in Bad Relationships

Many years ago I was hit with the shock of my life when my husband filed for divorce and left me for another woman. I was 32 and suddenly a single parent with a two year old. I always thought of myself as a strong, very independent person but for some reason, I became a pathetic, crying, emotional mess begging my husband to come back to us. He treated us badly, he was never home, never there for us, and yes even emotionally and verbally abusive...but for some reason I was blind to it. It didn't matter. Part of my thinking was that I didn't want my daughter growing up in a divorced household. Part of it was my Catholic belief that marriage is forever. And part of it was just plain denial.

For many months I was a total disaster. I went to counseling and even though they told me, it was done, let it go, move on, I didn't. I begged and pleaded and he did eventually come back, but only for a month or so and it was almost worse than his being gone. He was never where he said he was, never home, and then he left again. He had the kind of personality that made me believe that it was all my fault. I wasn't a good enough wife. I wasn't there for him. I didn't meet his needs.  Our divorce took four long, horrible years. I have to say now, that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Teaching my Daughter Self-Care

Today was a hard day.  Not in a life or death kind of way, but in the way that kids can be deeply hurt. And that's a call to action for any mom.

Today my daughter was rejected by a sports team; not one she was just trying out for, but one she'd been playing with for years.  It was unexpected.

I thought I had the expectations clear.  The girls who were going to be cut, had already been notified and my daughter was safe for the next half season.  She was in.  She agreed to try harder and to do her best.

But yesterday, the coach was not pleased.  My daughter complained of an injury and our family vacation was during the summer team camp.  He was convinced that she was not committed, and that her efforts would not move the team forward.

I came home from work early to break the news.

How to Talk About Pending Death

Lately, it seems like I’ve had a bunch of friends who are facing THE talk with aging parents or spouses who are slipping into dementia. No, it’s not the birds and bees, it’s about advance directives.

Here’s what I’ve suggested. Start the conversation by gently probing loved ones’ thoughts about their future:

• How are you feeling now?
• Have you given any thought to what will be happening a week from now, a month from now, in a few months?
• What do you want to happen?

With this as a starting point, it can be possible to move into a discussion of wants and needs in their process of dying.

If the patient is in denial, this idea isn’t going to work. They’ll tell you they’re planning to get back to normal life next week, when you know that’s clearly not going to be the case. Don’t beat your head against their brick wall of denial. Set the conversation aside and come back to it when they are more open to the reality of their medical circumstances.