Collectively Wise

Making Life Possible for Truly Independent Single Parents

[by Kirsten]

Initiative Mission Statement:

In the United States there are a number of cultural assumptions that form the basis of traditional family life that are typically unspoken.  Largely because of the acceptance of these assumptions, systems have been set up and maintained that are counter to the reality for many people.  It is assumed that people who do not fit these norms, are at fault and that they should change to fit the assumptions.

These assumptions include:

• Children are raised by families with 2 adults
• One or more of these adults has time available to take children to the doctor, dentist, teacher meetings and to help at the public schools during traditional business hours.
• If a family does not have time to contribute, it is assumed that they have money to compensate.

In reality, a large percentage of families do not have this luxury, flexibility or live in this manner.  The pressures of these assumptions contribute to un-employability of independent single parents, and to a dependency on welfare (or other people) in order to meet the (healthcare and educational) needs of themselves and their dependent children.

Definition: 
Independent:  without help, financially or via an informal village (ie childcare swaps).  For example, an independent person holds a job with sufficient income to pay all household expenses (rent, car, food, healthcare, insurance, fitness, enrichment, educational expenses, childcare, etc.), and with a schedule of hours and effort to allow for a healthy lifestyle and sufficient time and flexibility to accomplish necessary parenting and household tasks.

The mission of this initiative is to identify and work to change systemic and structural elements contributing to the impossibility of true independence for single parents.  These elements include, but are not limited to:  affordable daycare, irregular public school calendars, required mid-day parent teacher meetings, after-school care, medical appointment scheduling, the education of girls (and elements to support those same girls as they become working women and single mothers).

The US democratic system is based on a "survival of the fittest" philosophy, which is counter to this initiative.  These principles have a tendency to become socialistic in order to provide the support required.  Without it, the direct relationship between single mothers and poverty is reinforced, as is the need and tendency for women to rely on each other through informal social-emotional networks.

What do you think?

She Had Alzheimer's, So They Say (Part 2 of 2)

[Anonymous Guest Post]

Since both our names were on my mother's banking stuff, we both had to sign for anything. But in order to do that, after my mother was admitted to the hospital, one of us had to have power of attorney. Reluctantly, since my sister had a car, I allowed her to be the one. We got the necessary paperwork from an attorney I knew; took it to the hospital, and convinced my mother, somehow, to sign it. We simply told her the truth - that we needed access to her money and the ability to sign for her since she no longer could.

My mother still couldn't remember how to write her name, so my sister "guided" her hand. We had it witnessed by a nurse. Done. It was then notarized, and taken back to the attorney. My sister now had power of attorney. Next step, the bank. If my mother had any money of her own, that would have gone first to her care at the assisted living center before medicare would kick in. So we did the only, according to my sister, that is, logical thing. We withdrew every cent and divided it among us. We each got about six thousand dollars. Or seven, I forget. My sister was estactic.

She Had Alzheimer's, So They Say (Part 1 of 2)

[Anonymous Guest Post]

Nine years ago it became obvious my mother could no longer care for herself. The signs had been coming for some time. She had alzheimer's, supposedly. At least that's what we thought, and what her doctor diagnosed her with.

A few years before she started taking medication for it we had taken her on vacation with us to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware. She went on the boardwalk to get some fries, and when she didn't return about fifteen minutes later I started to worry. From the beach I scanned the boardwalk. The Fry Place was right in front of our location. My mother stood there, looking around, as if she was not only lost, but unaware of where she was. That's when it started.

She moved into a senior apartment complex for those on limited incomes a few years after that. The apartment complex had security, a laundry room, and a community dining room and activity center. She was still functional at that time, able to shop, cook, and clean. But over time those abilities started to disappear. She would call me in the middle of the night and tell me she was sitting there alone, in the dark. And then silence.

He promised he would never put them in a nursing home.

[Anonymous Personal Story]

I am originally from Long Island, New York but in 2002 I moved to Seattle, Washington. When I turned 36 I met a man and knew I had finally found the “ONE”. But first we shared something in 2006 that made our relationship stronger. I began caring his terminally Father.

I had the rewarding experience of taking care of him in his final months with his body so riddled with cancer the only option was to make him as comfortable as possible. I do regret however, that I never knew him before he got sick because the strength he showed even in his final days would put most healthy people to shame,but he never once complained, not even on his worst days.

Autistic Man Moves Back Home with Parents, with Positive Side-Effects

[Anonymous Personal Story]

My mom and dad are a study in selflessness when it comes to caring for my special needs brother. Now 21 years old, my brother was adopted at the age of 2 months. No one knew anything was wrong with him at the time, but at the age of 5, he was diagnosed with pervasive developmental disorder, a disorder on the autism spectrum.

John has been in group homes for the past 7 years, visiting his parents every weekend. Recently, however, it became obvious that his needs were not being met in this setting. The clients living with him were severely handicapped, but John craved conversation and interaction with "normal" people. At this point, my parents decided to have John move back home with them.

Affectionate Daughter In-Law Provides Proper Care

[Anonymous Personal Story]

This narration is about my mother who set up a unique example of sincere and dedicated care, she took of my grandmother; i.e. her mother-in-law.

There is a general notion about the adversities this relationship goes through. But my mother defied all the prejudiced sayings and wholeheartedly took proper care of my grandma. Our family is a nuclear kind, where I used to live with my young brother and mum and dad. Our grandmother use to live in the village at her native place. But after the demise of grandpa, she was left all alone.

Mother with Memory Loss

[Anonymous Guest Post]

It’s a tough job to take care of a person who has been consistently ill for a long time.

I have a similar experience of taking care of my mother who has a problem with memory loss. She often forgets small and trivial things, and we need to remind her often about small-small things like, did she brushed this morning, or did she had her tea, did she had the couple of medicines which she takes for her sugar and blood pressure. At times it turns difficult though, however, she is my mother after all, and I as her child have obligations towards her.

I tried a couple of doctors in my city to find some solutions, tried some medications, but it hardly worked, or it did, they had a very minimal effects. The doctors suggested that my mother is suffering from her Anterograde amnesia, which means that she has the tendency of forgetting recent things small or trivial every now and then.

Grown Son Cares for Mother with Late Stage Cancer

[Anonymous Guest Post]

When my mother was diagnosed with throat cancer, my family and I had much hope that current medical treatments and therapies could improve her condition and return her to a healthy quality of life. She was 82 when first diagnosed with throat cancer; and while some of the treatments seemed to make a temporary improvement, unfortunately they were unable to put the cancer in remission. I still live with her to try to help her out and share expenses, as the medical treatments are not cheap. She is retired and I am disabled, and we live off of social security checks with some minor assistance from family living out of state.

We both live in a 55 and up community in Boca Raton, Florida, and I am a 57 year old male.

Providing Hands-On Care? Become that person’s hands and feet.

[Anonymous Guest Post, from Jamaica]

Caring for someone who is sick is never an easy task but it is an especially difficult task when that person cannot help themselves. This calls upon the caregiver to give not only emotional and moral support but also to become that person’s hands and feet and spin due to the physical energy required.

I had one such experience and would [give that much]. My paternal granduncle had slowly gone crippled. We were not given a name of the condition. He lost mobility in his legs and it all appeared to have started with the spin. His condition left him unable to even pull himself up or turn himself on the bed. He had to wear adult diapers and could not feed himself either.

Uncle’s wife had died many years before he was placed in our care. He went to live with one of his daughters and was there for a few years until his daughter passed away suddenly. With his only other daughter living overseas and his granddaughter being mentally unstable and unable to care for him his daughter asked my dad for some assistance. The other alternative was a nursing home. They decided against that.

Choosing a Care Facility

[By Joanne Reynolds]

Aunt Florence was recently widowed, and wanted to stay in the home she’d shared for more than a decade with her second husband. It was isolated and more than two hours drive from her two nephews. (Her own children had disowned her at her remarriage. They would not even discuss their mother’s care with their cousins.)

Then there was the really BIG problem: Florence was clearly suffering from dementia with significant memory loss and paranoia.

In theory, the solution was simple enough—find a care facility for Florence. But she insisted on staying in her home. When she fell and broke her hip, there was no question of her living on her own.

Are you facing a similar dilemma, trying to decide whether to move your loved one, and if so to what type of facility?

Here are some suggestions to help you sort out the choices. They come from Stages of Senior Care: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Making the Best Decisions by Paul and Lori Hogan, founders of Home Instead Senior Care.