Collectively Wise

Normal Business Hours are not Traditional School Hours

[by Kirsten] Article first published as Normal Business Hours are not Traditional School Hours on Technorati.

As a working mom who is currently looking for work, I am reminded of the disconnect between the hours I readily have available to work, and the expectations of the business world.

I have three children. They are not old enough to care for themselves. In our area, the official after school program at the school, an afternoon sitter or an au pair all cost around the same, between $1500 and $2000 per month for a family like mine.

In addition to the daily schedule conflict, our public school calendar is completely unrelated to any normal business calendar. A typical company provides 10 federal holidays and 10 vacation days per year. In the Palo Alto Unified School District there are 28 non-instructional days in-between the first day of school and the last - NOT INCLUDING SUMMER or the two kick-her-when-she's-down days needed to round out the first and last instructional weeks. (Let's start on Tuesday and end on Thursday, ok?)

During the school year, a typical business worker will have 8 holidays and access to 10 vacation days, assuming that they do not take any summer vacation. In summary, that's 20 days of childcare that working families have to scramble to find each year, not including the summer! Is it safe to assume that working families will find safe, affordable and accessible summer care, and never go on a vacation? Is that how we want our system to function?

I understand that the public schools are not accountable for this discrepancy. But it is a real problem, and it places a real burden on working families. Where do you think coverage for these days come from in real life? From family members? Neighbors? Or are kids endangered by being inadequately supervised?

Making Life Possible for Truly Independent Single Parents

[by Kirsten]

Initiative Mission Statement:

In the United States there are a number of cultural assumptions that form the basis of traditional family life that are typically unspoken.  Largely because of the acceptance of these assumptions, systems have been set up and maintained that are counter to the reality for many people.  It is assumed that people who do not fit these norms, are at fault and that they should change to fit the assumptions.

These assumptions include:

• Children are raised by families with 2 adults
• One or more of these adults has time available to take children to the doctor, dentist, teacher meetings and to help at the public schools during traditional business hours.
• If a family does not have time to contribute, it is assumed that they have money to compensate.

In reality, a large percentage of families do not have this luxury, flexibility or live in this manner.  The pressures of these assumptions contribute to un-employability of independent single parents, and to a dependency on welfare (or other people) in order to meet the (healthcare and educational) needs of themselves and their dependent children.

Definition: 
Independent:  without help, financially or via an informal village (ie childcare swaps).  For example, an independent person holds a job with sufficient income to pay all household expenses (rent, car, food, healthcare, insurance, fitness, enrichment, educational expenses, childcare, etc.), and with a schedule of hours and effort to allow for a healthy lifestyle and sufficient time and flexibility to accomplish necessary parenting and household tasks.

The mission of this initiative is to identify and work to change systemic and structural elements contributing to the impossibility of true independence for single parents.  These elements include, but are not limited to:  affordable daycare, irregular public school calendars, required mid-day parent teacher meetings, after-school care, medical appointment scheduling, the education of girls (and elements to support those same girls as they become working women and single mothers).

The US democratic system is based on a "survival of the fittest" philosophy, which is counter to this initiative.  These principles have a tendency to become socialistic in order to provide the support required.  Without it, the direct relationship between single mothers and poverty is reinforced, as is the need and tendency for women to rely on each other through informal social-emotional networks.

What do you think?

The Juggling Act: Holiday Style

[by Kirsten]

Oh, no, I'm not talking about interior decorating.  No, I'm talking about the juggling act that working, sandwich generation moms do around this time of year.

Today, I only forgot the appointment with the speech teacher.  I remembered everything else.  I think.  And 830pm on a school night, is a fine time to start a gingerbread house, is it not?  Not that I actually accomplished everything else, I just thought about it, at least once, today.  (Unless of course it's not on the calendar until tomorrow or later.  In that case, I did not think about it at all.)

Work is busy.  I have a project I'm managing that is really busy right now.  Problem is, half of my engineers are out of town.  Sure, I'll be ready for the design review in less than two days.  Sure.  (Can't say the design will be finished, but we can review it in great detail.)  So, it's busy for me.  I feel like I'm being pulled in at least four or five directions...  but that's ok.

Then it's time to pick up the girls and I race to the school to pick them up.  Luckily no one has a half arranged playdate to negotiate, so after only a few minutes, they pile themselves into the car.  We head home...  and just as I pull up to the house, the phone rings.  Do I recognize the number?  Of course not, but it looks like I'm in trouble.  I can just sense it.

Of course, I am.  I've forgotten the speech therapist's appointment to discuss two of my children.  Honestly, I can understand them fine so I guess the fire of need just hasn't burned a permanent action plan on my forehead, and I've forgotten.  I'm already 15 minutes late, and now at home.  I turn around and go back.  It's a lengthy discussion with the teachers.  Great content and stuff I need to be considering.

The phone rings and it's my daughter.  It's time for swim team practice, so I rush to get home and take her.  Later there's the 3rd grade musical.  Last night was the middle schooler's show and bake sale.  This evening, I'm hoping to pay some bills and buy a few gifts online.  I write a check and leave it on the counter, forgetting to bring it to the swim coach.  It's already a month late.  Two gifts get purchased...  It's not nearly enough.

The pile of old toys and furniture in my office is massive.  It had filled the living room, but we had to move it to accommodate a new soccer team meeting.  Now I can't walk in the office.  I guess I don't need to...  I post on facebook, looking for a place to donate it all.  My ads on craigslist have gone unanswered.

To make things even more exciting, I've decided to look into a private middle school.  It's a pipe dream, but sounds like it would be wonderful for my child.  I make a mental list of the deadlines and the application process, and nervously await her test scores...

Visits with relatives are only days away.  There's baking to do, cooking and more shopping.  Hopefully everyone will be satisfied and the pressing issues will hold off just long enough.

Because it is a juggle.  Sure is.

 

Velcro Parents? Following Kids to College?

Why this shift towards clinginess? According to Houston Dougharty, vice president of student affairs at Grinnell College, “A good deal of it has to do with the evolution of overinvolvement in our students’ lives. These are the baby-on-board parents, highly invested in their students’ success. They do a lot of living vicariously, and this is one manifestation of that.”

In response, many universities are developing “goodbye” ceremonies to help give a subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, hint that it’s time to go. Some have luncheons for parents, so students have a chance to meet their new roommates without interference. One college literally closed parents outside the gate. In the age of texting and Skype, parents can still have a lot of interaction in a student’s daily life, but colleges and universities are doing what they can to send the message to parents that it’s time for the students to start developing independence.

Deliberate Choices, Directed Effort

[by Kirsten]

Back in May of this year, I got into a discussion on the SVMoms blog with the author of a post called, "Making Peace with Work".  Lately, I've been thinking about a part of that discussion that I think is really meaningful.

I don't want to really even try to explain the whole position that I was coming from, because it looks batty, and for the most part, it's my story, and I'm sticking to it (and maybe it's private and I'm not going to tell you, but I digress....)  But, there is one very important theme, that I really, really aspire to absorb.

Maybe there is a term for it.  If there is, I don't know it.  But basically, I want to stop being a two headed monster.  I want alignment.  I *think*, if I can get alignment between what I want, and the actions I take:  First, I will be happier.  Second, I will have more traction, power and success.

What is the point of all of this?

In a nutshell:  I'm trying to capture how ordinary people take good advice and medical information (that they receive from professionals or wherever) and act on it.

For example, we all know that getting a certain amount of calcium is good for a growing child.  Question is, how do you (as a real parent) get your kid (an actual, real kid) to ingest enough of it.  Not in theory, like tomorrow.  Today.

Take this quandary and apply it to real medical need.  Or quasi medical need.  Or vitamins.  Or sleep.

What are the battle stories of the real life, adults-in-charge in your family?

Frankly, sometimes, I feel very unprepared for the job I have been assigned to do.  I don't remember taking classes in this.  And I would love to learn from those who've been through it before.  And I'd like to share that knowledge with everyone, so that they can learn from it, too.

With more and more families moving away from family circles and generations of community, this loss of community, this loss of support system - creates a substantial void.  Without this community, where can people turn to learn about how to approach various situations?  How do we learn empathy for our neighbors?  How do we learn strategies for implementing the advice the medical community has given us?

A Family Experience Caring for a Young Autistic Girl

[International Guest Post]

I live in a joint family and am taking care of an autistic girl child who is ten years old. She was two years old when her mother (my sister-in-law) took her to a pediatrician who diagnosed her as an autistic child.

An autistic child is very special and needs special care. Though they look normal, they have very unusual behavior and speech pattern. But even before the doctor could diagnose her mother felt that something was wrong with her.

She started sending her to a special school. She would just walk around in the class, wouldn’t listen when told stories and didn’t play with other children. She would repeat the same thing again and again for a long period of time and express her needs rather than her emotions. The problem started when the school was not using appropriate methods and her condition started deteriorating. It was always very stressful for my sister-in-law to look after the child. So I decided that I should also help her in taking care of the child so that she is relieved of the stress and became a caregiver for her day to day care.

T'was the Night Before School and All Through the House, Tomato Paste is Shampoo...

Here we are.  It's the night before school starts.

Forms are not filled out.  Only 2 of the three kids have new backpacks, and there's nothing planned for dinner. 

We hit the ice cream social at 4, and the younger girls have their teachers and room assignments.  The oldest brings home a stack of paper for us to to go through and fill out.  "Check here to donate more than you should."  "Check here to feel guilty."  Going to the fundraiser this fall?  Yes/No.  Buy a sweatshirt?  Cool kid?  Yes/No.  Cotillion?  (I tell me daughter she can pretend to be a debutant.  She rolls her eyes and walks away.)   Chicken dinner on Wednesday for $9/head?  9x5=$45.  Yeah, I guess...

We have yet to initiate the treatment.

Daddy is frustrated.  How can little girls care so much about green hair, he wonders.  But they do.  My 12 year old has the whitest hair of anyone in her school.  ...Well, she used to, anyway.

He thinks it's a right of passage.  "Tell everyone you spent the summer at the pool.", he tells her, thinking that that will be enough.  She's not so sure.  This has happened to us before.  The super blonde hair sucks up the combination of chlorinated water and copper pipes and becomes a not-at-all subtle shade of NEON GREEN.

A Perspective on Prayer and Recovery (in Hinduism)

This is about My friend's son. He is just 6 years old. Let me introduce myself first, my name Rikesh. I live in a small town in India.

My friend's name is Mithun. He is married to his wife for 8 years now. After their marriage they first (had a) son in the year 2004.They kept his name Krishna, which is the name of Hindu God. He is so loving, cute n sweet. I use to visit them quite often.

Everything was going just fine (but) then one day Krishna fall sick all of sudden. Fever kept coming continuously for three days. Every one was worried they took him to doctor but it did not help. When I landed up to their place to see them, I was shocked to see his condition. I referred them a doctor who is my friend, Dr. Sudhir. He is child specialist .We went to see him same day then he advised us to admit Krishna in the hospital.  On hearing that, my friend's wife started crying. We consoled her everything will be fine.

What holds a sandwich generation family together? Glue

It's my job to be the glue.

Hi.  I'm new here, new to blogging.  But, I'm not a new mom.  Nope, not anymore.  In fact, I'm old. 

I don't worry about whether I should go back to work anymore, about cloth diapers, organic food or even pre-school.

We've moved on.

I didn't think it could get any more complicated.  Back before kids, and when they were young, it was all about getting set up.  Then it was about surrounding the kids with everything they needed to grow and thrive.  Books, food, quilts, language, love, fresh air.

Now the kids are a little older and I enjoy teaching them more complex concepts.  Not like math, I mean.  Things like whether to be upset about certain things or not, how to treat a sad heart, take care of each other or how to be safe.

The past year has been hard for us.  Over the years, we made decisions that were kind of banking on the expanding economy. "Dearest Tax Man:  You must have us confused with someone else..."