Collectively Wise

Remembering your parents

June has always been a hard month for me to get through. Right around Memorial Day I start getting that knot in my stomach and prepare myself for the month ahead. Both my parents birthdays were in June and then there's also Father's Day.

Three reminders of them not being here is still hard for me, even after all these years. My husband and others have noticed that I'm very sensitive and emotional during the month. Sometimes a little short fused on certain days. I don't mean to be, I guess its just my way of dealing with the loss.

For some reason this year I was realizing how long they have been gone and how old they would be on this birthday. I think of all the things they were not here for. I wonder what it would of been like to have them here to watch my daughter grow up and what kind of grandparents they would be. This June I was able to do something that really helped my grief. I took a few days away to where my parents ashes are scattered.

Making Memories

When my daughter was born I was only 28 and my Father was 88 with advanced Alzheimer's. Since it was mainly his short term memory that was affected, we were still able to interact with him. My Mother on the other hand was pretty far gone by the time my daughter was three or four years old. I know how much I cherish the photos and home movies of my Grandparents who passed when I was a teenager. I have watched those movies countless times watching how she walked, what she wore, her expressions and cherishing the sound of her voice. I also watch my childhood movies of my parents from when I was little. When they were  younger and healthy, enjoying life and doing the things they loved. Now that they are both gone those movies are all I have to see them, hear them, and remember them alive and well. 

With both my parents being ill and so much older I didn't hesitate to start documenting the last of our days, months, years together. I had no idea how much longer they would be with me. When I got married I told the photographer that everything stopped when my Father arrived so we could get our family photos. I knew he wouldn't last more than and hour even in a wheelchair. The photographer got some great photos of my Dad's face when he saw me walk down the aisle with my wedding dress on. Priceless. When I got pregnant I made sure I had photos of us together. When my daughter was born, I made arrangements with the care facility to have a nurse bring my Dad to the curb outside. It was there I presented him with his first and only grandchild, just three days old. He beamed with pride. I never thought I would see the day as I watched my 88 year old father being able to hold my newborn child. Every event like that I would feel a sense of relief like, YES ! I caught it.

My Father's Last Wishes (Physician's Directives)

When my Father was towards the end of his life I realized just how important it is to have your legal papers in order. My parents, being much older, did it when I was fairly young. They explained it to me but I didn't really understand. Here I was at the age of 29, going over those papers with a fine tooth comb trying to make sense of my Father's last wishes. Due to his Alzheimer's I was his guardian. He was now in a nursing facility. He had recently been moved to the nursing unit, something I did not agree with. I was called in by the staff to discuss my Father's deteriorating condition. Because of my age, they treated me with very little respect and as if I had no idea what I was talking about. With my Father's papers in hand I went to the meeting, knowing it was going we were not going to see eye to eye. 

Hospice Helped

I went through hospice with both my parents. It was a lifesaver. With my Father, it was only two weeks but it was the first two weeks that I knew he wasn't in pain, he wasn't suffering and he was being taken care of by the most compassionate, wonderful caregivers I had ever met. The first night I left him I could breath a sigh of relief knowing he would be ok and that they would call me if anything were to happen.

With my Mother, she was put on hospice because at the time we thought she had cancer and on top of already having Alzheimer's it was the only treatment we thought would help since we could not operate on her. She was on hospice for over a year while in the care facility. I had a team of amazing people who helped me every day. Nurses, social workers and caregivers. They helped manage her pain and her behavior. They were gentle and caring in everything they did. They were there for me, giving me the facts and helping me get through each day. When things took a turn for the worse and she fell, breaking her hip and then developing pneumonia, they stepped up to the plate and did everything possible to keep her comfortable and keep me posted. They explained the death process to me which helped more than anything. It was bizarre to watch my Mother talk to her "Father" while under the pain medications and seeing things that weren't there. They told me this is all part of the crossing over. She went peacefully with me there by her side for which I am grateful. I didn't feel so alone through a very painful situation with them there 24 hrs a day to help me. 

Why Good Women Stay in Bad Relationships

Many years ago I was hit with the shock of my life when my husband filed for divorce and left me for another woman. I was 32 and suddenly a single parent with a two year old. I always thought of myself as a strong, very independent person but for some reason, I became a pathetic, crying, emotional mess begging my husband to come back to us. He treated us badly, he was never home, never there for us, and yes even emotionally and verbally abusive...but for some reason I was blind to it. It didn't matter. Part of my thinking was that I didn't want my daughter growing up in a divorced household. Part of it was my Catholic belief that marriage is forever. And part of it was just plain denial.

For many months I was a total disaster. I went to counseling and even though they told me, it was done, let it go, move on, I didn't. I begged and pleaded and he did eventually come back, but only for a month or so and it was almost worse than his being gone. He was never where he said he was, never home, and then he left again. He had the kind of personality that made me believe that it was all my fault. I wasn't a good enough wife. I wasn't there for him. I didn't meet his needs.  Our divorce took four long, horrible years. I have to say now, that it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

Young Caregiver Personal Story - Alzheimer's, Stroke

When I was 15 my father, who was 75, began showing signs of what we later found out, was Alzheimer's. He wasn't diagnosed until six years later. A few years after that his behavior became too much for my Mom to handle and so I became his guardian, at age 24. I decided that for his own safety that it would be best for him in care facility. It was a difficult choice but a necessary one. His Alzheimer's affected him more physically, then mentally. He wasn't happy in the 3 facilities I placed him in, but with the constant medical care he needed I had no choice. He lived to the ripe old age of 89, I was only 29. 

Around this time my Mother began showing behavior that I knew was not normal. Not only was she very erratic, but she was not caring for herself, the house and the pets propely and she was hoarding everything. I tried to talk to her doctors but they didn't really listen and she was so nasty to them they wanted no part of the situation. A year later, she had some type of small stroke or breakdown. I had to trick her and take her to the ER. She became violent and suicidal so luckily, as sad as this is to say, the doctors saw what I was dealing with and put her on a month long psych hold. At least I was finally able to get the help I was needing. She was a whole other ballgame than my Father. APS stepped in, concerned with my young age (I was 28), but approved for my becoming her Conservator, which means, she lost all legal rights and I was in charge of everything.