Collectively Wise

Sleep Apnea

[by Adrienne] I am pleased to say I get to sleep in the same bed with my husband again. I realize it doesn’t sound like something to get up and shout about, but after more than two years of sleeping apart, I’m ecstatic! Why? My husband was tested and diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea. Based on the information provided by the test, he was able to purchase a CPAP (Continuous Positive Airflow Pressure) machine that suited his breathing patterns.

His case is almost textbook. He fits many of the risk factors: male, over 40, overweight. As often happens, I had to tell him I thought he had sleep apnea. Many sufferers aren’t aware they stop breathing; it's a bedmate or roommate that lets them know there's a problem.

Resolutions vs. Goals

[by Adrienne]

resolution |ˌrezəˈloō sh ən|
noun
1 a firm decision to do or not to do something : she kept her resolution not to see Anne any more | a New Year's resolution.

goal |gōl|
noun
2 the object of a person's ambition or effort; an aim or desired result : going to law school has become the most important goal in his life.
• the destination of a journey : the aircraft bumped toward our goal some 400 miles to the west.

 

Something I know about myself is that I can’t make New Year’s Resolutions. It’s too black-and-white. “To do or not to do”. Yes or no. Yes is success; no is failure. As someone who’s hard on myself, it’s simply too harsh.

Instead, I make goals. It helps me recognize that even incremental steps are positive. Rather than beating myself up for missing a workout, I can be pleased that my average number of workouts per week has increased. Instead of feeling I’ve failed by eating a cookie, I recognize that maybe I only had one or that I’ve increased the vegetable and whole grains in my diet for the last several days.

Some people prefer an all-or-nothing approach. Perhaps they’re more disciplined than I am. Perhaps they’re more comfortable with failure than I am. Certain personalities work best when there are specifics to a resolution, like a sales minimum. “I will eat 4 servings of fruit and vegetables a day,” or “I will run 5 miles every day.” Many set those goals and achieve them.

I’ve also seen friends and family who suffer the flip side of the all-or-nothing approach. If they’ve slipped slightly from the resolution, then they bag the whole thing. If they’re going to have a hamburger, they figure the diet is over, so they might as well get an extra large order of fries and a sundae for dessert.

Real life intervenes with my perfect schedule and I have to forgive myself for flexing. Cop out? Perhaps to some. For me, it’s a sanity saver and better for my emotional well-being. It’s easy for me to fall into a “coulda’, woulda’, shoulda’” frame of mind. Instead, I try to recognize that I don’t have complete control over everything and move on from there.

Example: I started writing this December 31^st, hoping to post by January 2^nd. Instead, my grandfather went into the hospital, then to ICU. Reality check: time, energy and focus need to change. This, and several other things, had to be rescheduled.

Hopefully you all know what methods work best for you to encourage you toward whatever you wish to achieve, whether it be a personal, financial, or career-related goal. If, like me, a resolution carries a negative taint, I encourage you to be proud of yourselves for moving in the right direction and be a bit kinder to yourself for any slips along the way. Success is not only in the final goal, but in each step along the way.

Wishing you a healthy, happy, and successful new year!

Velcro Parents? Following Kids to College?

Why this shift towards clinginess? According to Houston Dougharty, vice president of student affairs at Grinnell College, “A good deal of it has to do with the evolution of overinvolvement in our students’ lives. These are the baby-on-board parents, highly invested in their students’ success. They do a lot of living vicariously, and this is one manifestation of that.”

In response, many universities are developing “goodbye” ceremonies to help give a subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, hint that it’s time to go. Some have luncheons for parents, so students have a chance to meet their new roommates without interference. One college literally closed parents outside the gate. In the age of texting and Skype, parents can still have a lot of interaction in a student’s daily life, but colleges and universities are doing what they can to send the message to parents that it’s time for the students to start developing independence.

The Dangerous Times We Live In? According to the "Paranoid Parents Guide" and NPR...

[By Adrienne]

I read an NPR Health blog post last week that made me feel slightly vindicated about the freedoms my husband and I give my stepkids. It turns out we may not be the reckless parents my stepmother made us out to be.

In a conversation a couple of weeks ago, I made a passing comment about my stepdaughter going down to the library by herself on her scooter. I got lecture on the dangerous times we live in, kidnapping, etc. I resented the implication that we were negligent parents, but kept my mouth shut.

Later that night, I repeated the conversation to my husband to get his take on it. He’s usually more of an alarmist than I am, but we both agreed that my stepmother’s fear of kidnapping was out of whack with reality. It turns out we’re right.

According to the NPR post, Christine Barnes, author of “The Paranoid Parents Guide”, the top 5 fears of parents are:

1. Kidnapping
2. School snipers
3. Terrorists
4. Dangerous strangers
5. Drugs

The top 5 REAL ways kids are hurt or killed:

Advanced Directives: Let your family know your wishes

Two weeks ago a distant uncle had blood clots from recent back surgery lodge in his heart and cause a massive heart attack. By the time he reached the emergency room, he’d flat lined six times, leaving him comatose and, as it was determined later, with severe brain damage. The hardest part for his wife, daughter, and other family members—he had no Advance Directive.

While I’d heard of a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order, an Advance Directive (also called an Advanced Health Care Directive) was a new term to me. In essence, it’s healthcare instructions in the event someone is no longer able to make decisions for him or herself. According to Wikipedia, a living will is the oldest form of directive. Living Wills aren’t recognized in California, though can still offer guidance to medical professionals and loved ones. Some Advance Directives include a medical power of attorney, or health care proxy, to make decisions on your behalf.

For state-specific forms: http://www.caringinfo.org/stateaddownload

In the late 90’s, Aging with Dignity, developed a combination of a living will and a health care power of attorney, called the Five Wishes. Wishes 1 and 2 meet legal requirements in 42 states. Wishes 3 through 5 address more general issues of comfort and spirituality. This is a general description from Wikipedia:

Wish 1: The Person I Want to Make Care Decisions for Me When I Can't
This section is an assignment of a health care agent (also called proxy, surrogate, representative or health care power of attorney). This person makes medical decisions on your behalf if you are unable to speak for yourself.

Wish 2: The Kind of Medical Treatment I Want or Don't Want
This section is a living will—a definition of what life support treatment means to you, and when you would and would not want it.

Wish 3: How Comfortable I Want to Be

Working from home this summer?

School is finally out! Kids and parents alike look forward to all the great things summer brings—warm weather, swimming, ice cream cones, playing outside after dinner. Some parents who have traditional office jobs may opt to work some from home during the summer months. Here are a few tips for an enjoyable, but still productive summer.

First, make sure you have adequate space. What may suffice for personal email and bill paying may not be sufficient for your professional needs. Do you need a wall for a project timeline? Do you need to commandeer the dining table for layouts? Are there reference materials you’ll need from your office?

Second, set ground rules with your children. They need to respect your workspace. You can’t come in to find your paperwork has craft paint on it, all your company mailing labels were used for an art project, or your product samples are part of a fort for the pets.

In our house, when the phone rings before 6 p.m., the TV or game has to be muted and fights have an immediate cease-fire. Our kids don’t answer the phone unless they recognize the number as a family or friend. We also limit TV hours, so there isn't a constant drone in the background. (This is especially draining for me.)

Health Insurance Alternatives, Outside of an Employer Plan

As health care reform took over the media and our attention earlier this year, many reexamined their current health insurance coverage and questioned what the future might hold in the event of job change, job loss, or dropped coverage. If you aren’t covered by an employers’ program, what are the other options?

In the event of a job loss (by choice or not), the most common option is COBRA, which is an immediate extension of whatever coverage you may have had through the employer plan. Typically, this option needs to be exercised within the first 30 days, but can be carried for up to 18 months. COBRA requires continuous coverage and costs 100% of what both you AND the employer paid, plus 2% for administrative fees. For someone who may have been laid off and is trying to make ends meet on unemployment, it can be sudden sticker shock. Having been laid off a few times, this was the best option for me to continue with my current plan and doctors, while I searched for a new job.

Another option is short-term coverage, offered by several carriers.

Introducing Jessica and Adrienne

Please welcome Jessica and Adrienne, who have both posted recently.

Jessica is a full time student, studying Christian counseling. She is a widowed mother of three and lives with her mother in rural Ohio.  She also experienced her father's struggle and decline with Alzheimer's.  She wrote about connecting with your children though everyday things, and about the similar connection she made with her parents.  See Common Ground.

Adrienne is a graphic designer and small business owner, living in Southern California.  She works from home, is a step parent of two teens and is also knowledgeable about insurance for self employed families. She wrote about working at home when the school district is on holiday.  See Surviving Spring Break When You Work at Home.

Surviving Spring Break, When You Work at Home

My husband and I both work from home as art director/graphic designers. This means when school's out, my step-kids (ages 12 and 14) are with us during the vacations. The good part—my husband gets time with his kids that many parents don't get, we avoid additional daycare expenses, and they get supervised freedom. The bad part—we're still trying to conduct business over the din of iCarly, Wii games, or the occasional shouting match.

To keep the situation sane, we've set some guidelines. Admittedly, it's simply gotten easier as the kids mature and can do more things independently. None of these ideas is new or earth-shattering, but they help me cope with the change of dynamics we experience during vacations.

1. If the phone rings during business hours, pause the TV or argument IMMEDIATELY. They've always been very respectful of this. Now that the kids got laptops from their mom, we don't have fights over computer time, but they know our work takes precedence. I had to bite my tongue several years ago when my step-daughter, Annie, looked at her dad and said, "NO FAIR! You've been on the computer ALL DAY!"

2. Go outside for a while every day. This is vital for my step-son, Alex, who's ADHD. He fights us on this, but we've discovered he's  amenable doing something if he has company. It's been an excellent motivator for one of us to take an afternoon break or go for an evening walk.

3. We have sit-down dinners every night. While I grew up this way, my husband, Tony didn't and it's a rare event at their mom's house, as well. It took me a couple of years to figure out it's an aspect of our family dynamic that they like. I plan out meals in advance and