Caregiving on the threshold between life and death has a different quality than when we’re in it for the long run, or even the short-term with the belief that our loved one will fully recover.
One of the great gifts of caregiving at the end of life is the opportunity for reconciliation of old wounds given and suffered by both the caregiver and the patient. I call this opportunity, “the goodbye conversation.” Here it is:
1) Here's how I'll always remember you...Another way to say this is "This is what I'll always remember about you..."
2) Thank you for...
3. I forgive you... This one doesn't need to be a list of wrongs. A general statement of forgiveness is really all that it needs to be. Sometimes, depending on the issues involved, it's better to put #4 ahead of this one.
4. Will you forgive me for...?
5) I love you
6) Good-bye.
Sometimes there's a need for assurance that the family will be OK without the dying person. That was certainly the case with my dad. The how-tos of having this conversation are:
This isn't meant to be a sit-down-with-list-in-hand type of conversation. Just let it flow where and how it will, but when an opening comes to talk about one of these points, take a deep breath and plunge in. There is no need for any of these to be a big, dramatic moment. Small and quiet works very well. It will probably be difficult to take in an apology from your loved one. If you can, accept it, thank him or her for it, and if possible offer up an affirmation.
A wise pastor I know says loss changes the texture of our lives. But he also says that it’s not loss alone that changes us. Love does, too. The gift of love and relationship—the willingness to find ways to reconcile at the end of life—changes our lives for the better because it changes the way we think about ourselves. And that holds true for the dying one, too. You are offering them the opportunity to change the ways in which they think about themselves in the brief time that’s left to them. That gift of love is far more powerful than wounds either of you caused at an earlier time in your lives.
Blessings, Joanne
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