June has always been a hard month for me to get through. Right around Memorial Day I start getting that knot in my stomach and prepare myself for the month ahead. Both my parents birthdays were in June and then there's also Father's Day.
Three reminders of them not being here is still hard for me, even after all these years. My husband and others have noticed that I'm very sensitive and emotional during the month. Sometimes a little short fused on certain days. I don't mean to be, I guess its just my way of dealing with the loss.
For some reason this year I was realizing how long they have been gone and how old they would be on this birthday. I think of all the things they were not here for. I wonder what it would of been like to have them here to watch my daughter grow up and what kind of grandparents they would be. This June I was able to do something that really helped my grief. I took a few days away to where my parents ashes are scattered.
Both are about three hours away in Northern California in very specific locations that suited them. Being able to "visit" my Mom for her birthday this year really helped. Same with my Dad. As strange as it may sound, after years of being their caregiver, I feel like I need to check on them in some way to know they are ok. Still hard to let that go.
For those of you with parents who have passed, and you are having a hard time with certain days, you need to find something that gives you peace to help you with your grief. Visiting the grave site, sending off balloons with messages tied to them (a great one for younger kids), visiting a special place that you spent time at together...whatever it is that helps you get through the day and helps to ease your pain. Be gentle with yourself. My parents have been gone five and ten years and it's still hard for me. As the month comes to an end I am able to breathe a sigh of relief.