Okay, so I work outside of the home and am basically gone from 8-6 five days a week. Of course I’m infected! I hate being away from my boys and I feel awful missing the daily antics as well as the important milestones. And on the mornings when my oldest refuses to let go of me as I hug him goodbye I feel a knife twisting in my heart. And yes, there are days like the day that I was off last year and I picked him up from pre-school. The fact that the teacher asked me who I was there for (we HAD met a few months before) still haunts my parenting nightmares.
But, come on, last Friday I took the afternoon off to attend my son’s end-of-school program. The train was timed perfectly, I arrived 15 minutes early, and I got a great seat. I was scoring pretty high on the Good Mommy Scale. Then, other mothers began to file in. It quickly became apparent that they all knew each other and the teacher well. They talked about their playdates together and the recent Parent Council meetings. Suddenly, it was as though the floor dropped out from under me. I felt like a delinquent sitting in a spotlight with my sins and inadequacies written all over my face. I wanted to cower in the corner with my head covered in shame, like I didn’t truly deserve to wear the title of Mommy.
Why did that rock me so hard? Was I really that bad?? Mommy guilt is the ultimate expression of our perfectionism, our constant comparison to others, our Superwomen Syndromes, all rolled up into one. Deep down I know that the guilt and shame are ridiculous but I still don’t know how to cure myself. So, I’ve come up with a few general rules to at least minimize the impact of the disease.
- No more comparing! My comparisons are almost always unfair, unreasonable, or based on inaccurate perceptions of Moms around me.
- No more compensating! Usually guilt-ridden compensation leads to either overindulgence (kids do need rules and limits) or overcommitment (I don’t have to volunteer to do everything just because this is the only fieldtrip I’ve made it to this year)
- Think about quality rather than quantity. When we’re together it’s clear how loved my boys feel and how attached they are to me. They don’t look like neglected waifs starved for attention and emotional intimacy.
- Aim for “Pretty Darned Good” Parenting. Many Moms take comfort in the resilience of children and the concept of “good enough” parenting. But, some hate the phrase “good enough” and their lingering perfectionism leads them to feel like for their standards it’s not, well...good enough. I like to think that “as a parent I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darned good!”
Thanks for this post, Michele. There was an interesting article in the WSJ Weekend Journal yesterday, probably timed publish with Fathers's day. The article is, "The Breeders' Cup: Social science may suggest that kids drain their parents' hapiness, but there's evidence that good parenting is less work and more fun than people think.', by Bryan Caplan.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704289504575313201221533826.html
The following are some excerpts from the article, which are relevant and pretty funny.
"...A closer look at the General Social Survey also reveals that child No. 1 does almost all the damage. Otherwise identical people with one child instead of none are 5.6 percentage points less likely to be very happy. Beyond that, additional children are almost a happiness free lunch.
...The only high-quality study of parents' satisfaction dates back to a nation-wide survey of about 1,400 parents by the Research Analysis Corp. in 1976, but its results were stark: When asked, "If you had it to do over again, would you or would you not have children?" 91% of parents said yes, and only 7% expressed buyer's remorse.
...Dartmouth economist Bruce Sacerdote studied about 1,200 families that adopted disadvantaged Korean children. The families spanned a broad range; they only needed incomes 25% above the poverty level to be eligible to adopt. Nevertheless, family income and neighborhood income had zero effect on adoptees' ultimate success in school and work.
...If you think that your kids' future rests in your hands, you'll probably make many painful "investments"—and feel guilty that you didn't do more. Once you realize that your kids' future largely rests in their own hands, you can give yourself a guilt-free break."
Ha, ha! I feel better already.
Posted by: Kirsten | 06/20/2010 at 11:28 AM
Thanks Kirsten! Very interesting article. Its good to know that most parents dont regret their decision. I certainly dont. But, the idea of the more the better, even said tongue-in-cheek, still sends shivers down my already exhausted spine! Also, the final point that we have less impact on how our children turn out than we think we do always strikes me as both a little sad and somewhat reassuring. As a therapist, of course I believe that what we do has an impact on our childrens development. But, the truth is that many of us take on much more responsibility than is realistic. Not that I think we shouldnt bother trying. But, most of us can afford to cut ourselves some slack and not treat every missed moment or event and every mishap as if it will determine our childs future happiness. Essentially, we can let go of the guilt, beat ourselves up less, and trust that our kids are probably going to turn out just fine.
Okay, here I go...letting go...a little...really...
Posted by: Michele Downie | 06/21/2010 at 10:36 AM